Time for a break from our usual election coverage.
Hoisted from comments, by NC’s craazyman
Worldwide News Service Exclusive
by Delerious T. Tremens, Reporter at Large
Santa Fe, NM (WNS)– July 30 — In this bleak desert landscape of coyote and cactus, where mesas scrape the low sky like brown table tops and the human eye can see through the luminous Milky Way to distant galaxies spinning like dizzying whirpools in the black night night sky without binoculars, a roomful of new age channelers is about to upend the U.S, presidential election race. Sittiing on a blue sofa smoking a cigarette and drinking a cold vodka tonic is Teacake Astral Star, a diminutive woman in a tie-die dress with Indian bead necklaces piled like ropes around her neck who claims she is in psychic contact with World War II hero and former U.S. president Dwight David Eisenhower, and that he’s pissed off.
“I was channelling the Pleideans” says Ms. Starr to a reporter, “and all the sudden he was there. He said he’s furious at what America has become and he wants to fix it. I knew it was him because he looked just like he did in the news reels.”
Asked how a dead person could possibly run for U.S president, Ms. Starr seemed surprised, “He’s not dead,” she retorted sharply, “He’s living with the Pleidians in the astral plane. He’s perfectly capable of being president. What do presidents do anyway that’s so hard, with all the help they have?”
The prospect of an Eisenhower candidacy make not be entirely unwelcome to a nation seemingly unenthused with the two major party’s candidates. But just how could General and ex-President Eisenhower campaign and, if he won, how could he govern? Ms. Starr has answers.
“There are eight or nine of us who are now in regular contact with Dwight,” she says, sweeping her arm at the group assembled around a table with a hooka pipe and water bong as the centerpiece. “He comes through every day, sometimes several times a day. We can speak for him at cabinet meetings, press conferences, wherever. He doesn’t have to physically be there.”
Dr. Rupert Wyer, a professor of electrical engineering at Cal Tech believes he can help the cause. “We can reengineer voice recordings of President Eisenhower from the 1950s, sampling and reordering sounds to make his speech seem quite natural,” says Professor Wyer. “We just need Teacake to let us know what he’s saying and we can program the sentences. You’ll know it’s him as soon as you hear it.” Mr. Wyer became a convert to the idea after initial skepticism. “It did seem ridiculous at first,” Mr. Wyer said to reporter, “but I became convinced when Teacake related things about Eisenhower’s military strategy in Germany that she could not have possibly have known. That’s when I knew it was him.”
Assuming Republican party officials can warm to this admittedly bizarre idea, there may be constitutional issues to overcome. Teacake Astral Star is a U.K. national born in London, England whose real name is Clarissa Jane Bentmentle. If Eisenhower does enter the race, constitutional scholars would have to rule whether Ms. Bentmentle or General Eisenhower, or perhaps Ms. Star’s entire Santa Fe channeling team, would be the actual president.
Professor Wyer has no patience with legalities or doubts. “It’s him, OK!” he said to a reporter. “We need leadership we don’t have. This is a man who defeated the Nazis, built the highway system, warned about the military industrial complex and was an avid fly fisherman. How can you do better than that?”
Mr. Wyer then pushed a button on his machine and Eisenhower’s voice boomed out from the tabletop next to the hooka pipe and bong. “Teacake is going to channel him tomorrow and we’ll have a press conference next week to say he’s entering the race,” he said. The only question is whether anybody will listen.
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Ah, but Eisenhower HAS entered the race. The candidate that is basically pacifist, wants to deport illegal immigrants so as to protect the domestic labor market, is internationalist but would never sign off on anything as toxic as NAFTA or the TPP, that wants to get along with Russia and not start a war with it, that supports social security against the super-right wingers that want to cut it and steal the proceeds for themselves… and Ike is being channeled by none other than Donald Trump!
Well, apart from the personal humility and decorum parts of Eisenhower, but you can’t have everything.
What? “You can’t have everything?” You are certainly not in the .01% then.
The top individual Federal income tax bracket in Eisenhower’s administration was 91%. And he didn’t try to lower them.
You can only take the Eisenhower comparison so far before it falls down due to the candidates stupidity, superficiality and big hair. However, it definitely has some merit. Trump would be Eisenhower if the general was a bit of an ahole, and not broadly educated.
Trump has the personality of Patton.
Patton would not have made a good President for numerous reasons.
IIRC it was Patton who was gung-ho to keep his armored divisions going through Austria and on into the East European countries to provoke a war with the “Godless Communists” and it was Eisenhower who ordered him to stop.
I really “love” how opposed to communism so many high up in US society was, and still FDR managed to maneuver the nation into a war with the Nazis.
There are times i wonder if, when i take USSR out of the picture, WW2 was a war between fascists about who should be running the world.
Yes, and a good think Eisenhower did stop Patton. The Russians would have made
mincemeat of the Americans.
Who are you kidding? We would have slaughtered them. We would have swept their air forces from the skies in a few weeks, then we would have ground their armor into scrap iron. Meanwhile with no more “Lend-Lease” convoys landing in Russian Ports their military and food supplies would have steadily dwindled.
However since Stalin was insensitive to casualties, while we were horrified of every man lost in battle even then, it would have ended in a stalemate in a year or so. We might well have liberated Eastern Europe, the Balkans, the Baltics, Belorus, and Ukraine, and pushing up from Persia much of Central Asia, but we would never have defeated the main Red Armies without nuclear weapons.
After the horrors of Japan, nukes — and recall there was only one more readily available, while another dozen would have taken more than a year to produce — would have been off the menu.
No, they wouldn’t have. The Red Army was to a large extent a husk by that point. The Soviet Union would go to great lengths in the early days of the Cold War to conceal from the West just how badly mauled it had been by World War 2.
No. The US had nukes and the USSR did not
The distinguishing characteristics are: 1) Patton actually did something in life beyond self-promotion. 2) Patton has actually been recorded as having apologized once, to some young man, somewhere. 3) Patton never dyed his hair or his skin.
How do I type that sound you make when you try not to laugh but milk comes out your nose?
Trump is as much Eisenhower as he is Gertrude Stein. See: income tax.
Well, let’s see: Eisenhower had two eyes, Trump has two eyes. Eisenhower had two arms, two legs, a nose, and a mouth – so does Trump!
Lots of similarities, right?
(/snark)
Of course, Donald Trump isn’t a pacifist, has no grasp of foreign policy, no military experience, and his negotiating experience seems to be on one-time deals where he crows about being the “winner”, sucks all the money out into his other business entities, and then files bankruptcy so as to avoid paying all the people who trusted him. Other than that, quite similar to Eisenhower.
Just imagine if Trump had come up with the Interstate Highway System. Talk about impermeable!
Ike is the guy who used massed bomber formations to test soviet reaction time and implemented the loony doctrine of massive retaliation. I wouldn’t cheer him.
Man, if you can’t cheer Ike, maybe you should just be Quiet.
The MAD principle worked didn’t it?
Probably not. It was PR campaign for the MIC.
i liked it better than the successors, which seem to make a nuclear war more likely (hey it’s just a tactical nuke we’ll stop if it gets serious.
It was detente and disarmament that worked in the end. And multiple instances of Soviet restraint, including the fact that they never had a first-strike doctrine and were not poised with their hand over the button. Don’t for one second think that the policy of building more and more nukes prevented nuclear war. That’s just what the bastards in the MIC want (and they would love to do it again). We got lucky.
Of course it was also under Ike that the U.S. involved itself in a coup in Guatemala overthrowing the democratically elected government in the name of the banana industry.
Oh I’m not saying I wouldn’t vote for Ike today, just honest about what the U.S. role in the world is and has been.
He bears some responsibility for what happened in Vietnam as well. It was during his time in office that the U.S. made the disastrous decisions to not hold elections there (even though that had been agreed to by all parties), as well as to back Diem in South Vietnam. The U.S. involvement didn’t really start there until under Kennedy, but that was due to decisions made under Truman and Eisenhower.
allen dulles needed french support for his scheme to rearm germany (as a perceived bulwark against the u.s.s.r.).
needless to say, the french were very reluctant to approve of another heavily armed german state on their border.
supporting french attempts to reclaim their ‘indochinese’ colony was the price paid for that support.
Interesting, if true. Got a link?
‘throughout the cold war, the bloody military struggles in the indochina theater were shaped indirectly by the tense by bloodless diplomatic struggles in the european theater. by going to war in korea and simultaneously extending an american military protectorate over taiwan and french indochina, the truman administration signaled its resolve to defend its european allies. american officials swallowed their misgivings about french colonialism and paid for france’s effort in its on-going war in indochina from 1950 until 1954, in the hope of winning french support for the rearmament of germany.’
‘vietnam: the necessary war: a reinterpretation of america’s most disastrous military conflict’
michael lind 1999
essay reprinted in ‘major problems in the history of the vietnam war’
third edition
documents and essays edited by robert j. mcmahon
2003
OMG, you mean actual ink and paper?
i don’t trust the internet for much of anything since the photo of nixon, rebozo, and abplanalp disappeared from the public record. there they were, wearing shades (ray-bans?), looking like the cut-rate crooks they really were, basking on the stern of rebozo’s boat off key biscayne.
talk about a picture being worth a thousand words!
maybe i just can’t figure out how to search for it properly, but i can’t find it anywhere.
once i have a book on my shelf, it cannot be erased or edited.
Yeah, the internet can be like that. I remember on Obama’s inauguration day the LA Times had a full page picture of Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and Jim Baker, the Family Lawyer, all standing around a seated Barrack Obama, big smiles all around. The picture was worth ten thousand words; It said for all to see “he one of us (Wink, wink, nod, nod)”. I saw that photo and knew then and there that nothing significant would change. I’ve searched for many times for that photo after leaving LA, but have never found it.
And the overthrow of Mossadegh in Iran.
That never had any negative repercussions ever.
You could argue (Chalmers Johnson did, I think) that the overthrow of Mossadegh by the CIA in support of British Petroleum was the single greatest disaster in American foreign polic. It got the ball rolling for everything that followed, and the view inside government that it was a monumental success explains why we continued to zigzag from debacle to debacle in the years that followed.
I do belive Mike was being sarcastic…
Looking back i wonder if his military-industrial complex warning was a last minute explanation of how he stayed in office all those years, by basically bowing to the demands of said complex. Something that his successor didn’t…
Great to hear! I thought I’d seen the old curmudgeon around town a few times but couldn’t be sure. I ran into Jesus in a Santa Fe Home Depot a few years back (looking surprisingly snappy and spry for one of his 2000+ years) and asked him why we had such crappy leaders. He said that if we wanted better leaders we needed to be better followers and then questioned the idea of why we felt the need to have leaders at all. Said he was disappointed at how the whole messiah thing had worked out all those years ago and that after hanging out with god afterward he had decided to relinquish the title in favor of a quiet life here in Northern New Mexico. Besides he said, someone’s gotta keep an eye on the idiots in Los Alamos. God knows the management up there’s not up to the task.
+100
I think I saw Him on a bike last week….
I hate to break this to you, but Teacake, or Clarissa, or whatever she’s calling herself these days is a known fraud.
Last I heard she was busted for holding fake séances in the car park of Pease Pottage Services on the M23 by West Sussex police which she gave from the rear seat of a Lincoln Navigator. Turned out the astral projection she said she was receiving came from the satellite radio system. Disclosure: I do have to claim a potential conflict of interest here, she stung me for £50 saying she’d perform “remote psychic healing” on my mother-in-law’s cat. It didn’t work and I have the scratches to prove it. Back then, she went by the name of Madame Melania Blavatsky and had documentary evidence to back up her story that she was a direct descendent of both H.P. Blavatsky and Alice Bailey. Also she had a PhD from the university of Magonia in Kabbalahistic meditation.
Of course, she was very convincing. Most people thought her explanation of the “morphogenic antenna” she was using (energised by her sitting on a lay line which she said she’d discovered existed between Windsor Castle and Trump Tower) entirely plausible. Certainly convinced me, anyway. So I don’t blame you at all for being similarly hoodwinked.
“Disclosure: I do have to claim a potential conflict of interest here, she stung me for £50 saying she’d perform “remote psychic healing” on my mother-in-law’s cat. It didn’t work and I have the scratches to prove it.”
Making a mistake over-estimating the extent of her powers merely shows that she’s on a learning curve, as we all are. I remember her delight at her first interview after contact with Ike. “We came. We heard. He is no longer dead.” and her laughter was like water to my cynicism.
Nationalism, patriotism, and globalism are destructive! We need to universalize our leadership and this is our best chance. Think what Ike could offer from the Pleiades to help us solve global warming.
Voting any other person means planetary immolation. Is that what you want? Try not to be petulant, immature, childish, naive.
You may well be right Patricia. As Teacake / Mme. Melania was at great pains to point out (and it was in the Key Facts section of the disclaimer she made me sign) “Individual auras may vary. Not all Pleiadian planetary alignments available in all locations. Check coverage and test on an inconspicuous area first before applying.”
Mme Melania says many things that remind us of other things, but I haven’t been able to track anything down to source. It’s not like Ike to be derivative, you know?
We’ve heard Putin accuse Mme of plagiarism but after some thought, I suspect that she is singing the Music of the Spheres, which comforting repetitions echo through our psyches (and Ike’s too, whether he admits it or not).
Putin needs to relax and cool down, waaayyy down. Since Clinton has already been inducted into the Spirituality of BS via Death (SOBS-VD), she might help. What a splendid gesture it would be if Ike reached across the aisle and offered Hillary a personal appointment in the Diplomatic Service as Putin’s Spiritual Therapist. Cold Peace II. Would keep them both busy and also aid in diminishing global warming. I hope Ike goes for it!
I’m sorry, but you are all mistaken, because it is unlucky to be superstitious.
Ancient texts disagree. As it is written, “Thou maketh thine own luck” and further, “There is no one luckier than he who thinketh himself so”. Thus not even superstition shall prevail against the gates of he…fortune.
Cf Ike in the Pleiades. Could anything be more fortuitous, than that he has been found for such a time as this? IMO, it just proves American Exceptionalism. And a little star shall lead us. (Since Sanders didn’t work out. Or maybe he knew!)
Niels Bohr didn’t think so.
He had a horseshoe over his door. A visitor hectored him, saying what was a man of science doing with an object of superstition on such prominent display?
After the lecture was done, Bohr remarked, “I’m told it’s effective whether one believes in it or not.”
And JP Morgan said, “Millionaires don’t use astrology. Billionaires do.” And that was when being a billionaire was a much more exclusive club than now.
No shit Sherlock…
All I know is my friend in Abilene for years has been is powering his home from a generator he attached to Ike’s staff shoes after noticing a whirling sound coming from his Mil Spec casket. He had to upgrade Ike’s footwear to GI issue boots and a larger generator to keep up with the increased output after Reagan got elected, and used the extra power to heat the YMCA’s indoor pool. Due to recent drastic increases in power output after the last two conventions, Ike’s now due for a much larger generator, carbon fibre boot/coupling, and hydrogen gas cooling system to deal with the friction losses coming from his cranium. There’s fear now that if the generator should trip, that Ike may escape his containment and go ballistic. The projected flight path would have him wiping out K-street in Washington DC.
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
For a larger current perspective on Eisenhower see “Dancing in the Shadows of the Moon.” It doesn’t involve any channelling.
Time for a quote from Grover Norquist, to wit:
That’s even more reason to bring back Ike. The top marginal rate was (IIRC) 90%. Kennedy, a Democrat, was the first to lower it. Not long after, the elites decided that rather than pay such a large share for the general good, they would invest heavily in gullible crony politicians and economists who would lower the rates and therefore they could all share in the savings. Kinda a win/win for all but the rest of us folks. Seriously, all of the arguments against raising taxes are soundbites designed to inflame passions and not seriously deal with the problem. The theory for lower taxes is based on turning our entrepreneurial class loose to create jobs and opportunities. Well, it’s worked very well for them – but not many others. Our jobs are fleeing and our products have been crapified beyond recognition. The argument against raising taxes on the other hand is that you really can’t raise much money by taxing the rich. But no one seems to grasp that the issue is not raising a lot of additional taxes or even redistributing much by taxing the rich and giving to the poor. Instead maybe the issue is telling the richest of our rich that enough is enough and were going to give you Smaugs an incentive just chill out more and give someone else a chance to find their entrepreneurial inner selves. Seriously, the pie is not growing and we continue to keep incentives in place (and even talk about increasing them) so that Smaugs, who already have way too much, can continue to take more than their share. What could go wrong?
I like Ike
I’ve always been an “Eisenhower Republican”.
Unfortunately, “Eisenhower Republicans” are equivalent to “commie socialists” to current Republicans.
Hillary vs. Trump. The best candidates our current system can come up with. Perfectly illustrating how effed we are.
Sheesh. One of our present candidates is an “Eisenhower Democrat!”
An idea for a Republican attack ad:
Re run of the Daisy ad showing the little girl picking apart the flower while the world blows up behind her.
Then, cut to a sixties era studio set.
Voice from off screen: “That was very good Hillary.”
Little girl turns towards off screen: “Yes. I want to do that for real one day.”
Picture of H Clinton with world blowing up behind her.
Fade to black.
Hell, it worked for 0bama:
Somehow, our Dear Leader falls short of the gravitas of the “King of the Monsters.”
The channeling of Teddy Roosevelt at the DNC was bizarre considering his remarks endorsing the lynching of immigrants – Italian American immigrants.
OMG I forgot to include this!
http://www.cnn.com/US/9606/22/hillary.book/
And Trump is the sociopath…
Let me guess, her holy trinity all agree and nod their head in approval with the items she brings them?
Wait… “too personal”… what kinds of day dreams are these?!
He’d look into the heart of her
departeddeleted emails and … know stuff.And then, well, she’d have to kill him. Again… hey, there’s a precedent for it!
First rule of Clinton Foundation: never talk about Clinton Foundation (unless you get your standard fee).
(or unless it’s November 31st)
“Hillary, Hillary… when Bill said he was “nailing interns” that is not what he was talking about!”
You saying Ike hacked the DNC?
No need. He can see everything from the Pleiades.
30,000 feet is so provincial.
Oh great(and not in the Frosted Flakes way..)
Since we’re exhuming here it’s too bad Nancy Reagan is no longer with us. Imagine Hilary and ‘just say no'(except to personal pharma) as the first(First!) women P and VP. And they could push out their therapists as combo spokespersons.
No charge for the image.
Eleanor… how appropriate. They must have compared notes on their respective partner’s inability to their trousers up and zipped, cousin loving, etc.
A therapist modeling the real Mahatma doesn’t fit. His reluctance to violence as a political means (he wasn’t an absolute pacifist) for one, and his nationalism vs. her world order neo-liberalism. The horror… the horror…
Pop Quiz!
Ronald Reagan is to Voodoo Economics as #HRC is to Voodoo _________ .
Also: #OMFG
Foreign Policy?
Along the lines of Miles Davis’ classic quote “there are no wrong notes in jazz”, there really is no incorrect punch line here (a posteriori) … ;-) However, not my top choice.
A: Democracy.
Like. My first thought was “Progressive”.
Please kill me now.
Yikes! That’s a long ways past Methodism.
I wouldn’t want to be dragged from peaceful nowhere slumber and forced into conversation with Hillary Clinton. Or with Astral Star Teacup. Horrors! But the demanding voices must be obeyed, I suppose. (Is that the price of fame? Thank the stars I have none.)
Come to think of it, that’s probably why Eleanor R told Hillary to develop skin as thick as a rhinoceros’. She was so annoyed at being ‘woke’ that she simply parroted something Hillary’s mother had told Hillary when she was yet a school-tyke. I’d do that. I mean, come on, let it be. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Yeah.
not to mention his labeling of deist thomas paine ‘that filthy little atheist’.
Amusing. I was joking a few months ago that someone should run a hologram Eisenhower akin to the hologram Tupac that was on tour.
Even though it was a joke it came from a place of deep grief for the lack of an “adult” candidate in the race. Nice to see I’m not the only one semi-seriously wanting the same thing.
How about a robot made to look like Ike? (The U.S. president is basically robotic, anyway, with little variation in the programming.)
Putting a robot or droid in control of things might offer an upside. Unless he goes haywire like the friendly robot in Alien.
Alien? Do you mean “2001 – A Space Odyssey” ?
or “lost in space”? i guess dr smith was like putin.
This is great! Teacake Astral Star could give Ike’s press conferences. Instead of walking to the lectern with a folder of papers in hand she could carry a tiny Ouija board. Might even come up with better answers than what’s been on offer the past few years.
I was thinking that an Ouija board was missing from the table – especially pertinent since both parties have a limited number of people providing proscriptions labelled as “cosmic inevitability,” despite them being clear political choices.
Maybe chuck the I-Ching in there as well for good measure.
I think two magic eight balls. One with questions for the press to ask. One for Teacake with the answers.
Assuming that’s different than the way they do it now.
some of these people seem to be familiar with 8 balls.
Ike/Harambe 2016:
A visibly irked Cthulhu has retreated from public view to weigh his options.
Nonsense. He’s either running Russia or Turkey. Probably both, and is now meeting with his other half.
I guess the good news is Jill Stein is only behind by 3%.
Even our liberal presidents (Ike, Nixon) were imperialists.
In 1952, Ike tossed out the treaty signed with the Vietnamese to end WWII (they were our allies) when polling disclosed Ho Chi Minh would win the plebiscite to unite Vietnam. He installed the tyrant Diem. This sowed the seeds for the Vietnam war…the very land war in Asia he claimed to abhor.
In 1953, he went along with the British demands Truman refused to accept, directing the CIA to overthrow Mossadegh’s democratically-elected government in Iran. Iran’s crime? Attempting to nationalize Anglo-Persian oil assets in Iran. Anglo-Persian is the ancestor of BP. The assets weren’t to be confiscated. Iran was going to pay the same price per BTU as the British were paying to nationalize their coal mines.
Eisenhower installed the tyrant, Reza Pahlavi, the Shah. Robert Fiske reports that when the Ayatollahs opened the safe houses of the Shah’s secret police (SAVAK), they discovered basements with ovens large enough to roast humans, and stacks of severed limbs. Of Middle Eastern terrorists, Fiske says “Given the provocation, what’s surprising is how mild has been the Arabs’ [and Persians’] response.”
In 1954, Eisenhower directed the overthrow of Arbenz in Guatemala, again by the CIA, installing another tyrant, Castillo.
So…I’m not exactly an Eisenhower fan. The problem is the imperial arrogance, and that tradition is pretty old in America. After all, the Monroe doctrine essentially says that the New World is America’s colony now. Ike extended that to the old world, too.
In the diaper years I was madly for Adlai. I never liked Ike. Now more mature, (some might say senile) I’ve come to believe Eishenhower was the last American President as he was followed by that papist Kennedy and eventually Obama the Kenyan.
By the way it was not fly fishing but golf that Ike adored, even had a pitch and putt installed on the WH front lawn and nine holes at Camp David. Ike also liked to dabble in oil paints, (which makes me think he may not have been American). His paintings of Mamie inspired Warhol’s Marilyn series and Ike liked to spatter paint with Jack Pollock in a converted studio in the Old Executive Office building to let off steam during the Suez Crisis.
Saturday nights they’d throw back whiskies and Jack would tell stories about the latest gossip from the Cedar Tavern and Ike would complian about Nixon. Some spatter drops on the ornate woodwork at OEO have been preserved and are part of the OEO public tour.
Eisenhower lost touch with the modernists after his heart attack in 55. Pollock had moved out to Long Island and died in 56. Ike never forgave the bohemians and held them partly responsible for Pollock’s alcholism and death. Ike’s tenuous connection with the beats and bohos dried up and his brief fling with Kerouac and Corso cooled. NIxon who had been in the dog house since the Checkers speech subbed for the ailing Ike and made a grab for power, going after reds and bohos. Ike needed deniability and was never quite the same, he retired the beret and sought refuge in his collection of Zane Grey westerns.
Ike spent many a happy hour reading Riders of the Purple Sage on his Kindle
Maybe an Ikette ?? Mary Jean would be most like gramps…
ike 2 has tricky dicky blood around him so nahgannahapin…
We cant mention refco and bawag (flottl) so barbie “anne” is not an option…
Susan seems to have not only ignored gramps advice, she gave a bear hug to the micc…although marriage to the russian does confuse things a bit…
So then it is to be…
Mary Jean who is most like grampah
No need for ghosts…maybe jill stein will slide over for an ikette…
Delerious needs to learn to spell ‘tie dyed.’
HAH! Ms. Starr is way behind Machaelle Small Wright. Read Dancing in the Shadows of the Moon (which I read in 1995)
From an Amazon review: