2019 Headlines in Advance

Reader Rev Kev provided his forecast for 2019, which I hope you enjoy. If you know of any other 2019 headlines, please pipe up!

I do not own a crystal ball to predict the future with so in considering what is to come in the New Year for 2019, I have had to resort to staring into my coffee mug instead. As a public service then, here is what I foresee happening in the coming year, both the tragedies and the triumphs in the main story for each coming month-

JANUARY – Tragedy struck when the annual World Economic Forum at Davos was caught in a massive snow avalanche. Most would have survived except that under an austerity recommendation by the WEF, the Swiss Mountain Rescue was recently disbanded and replaced with “volunteers”. Unfortunately when it came time for the rescue party nobody volunteered.

FEBRUARY – The US Federal Reserve Board steps down confessing they have no idea how the economy works anymore. Says that they are not a part of the government anyway. They are replaced with a reforming Government Board who includes people such as Michael Hudson, Stephanie Kelton, Mark Blyth, Bill Black and Steve Keen.

MARCH – A terrible mishap occurred at the center where all Federal student loans records were stored when an employee entered the command “rm -r” on his computer to format it not realizing that he was actually logged into the mainframe. Managers called in the FBI when it was remembered that the employee was living in a van in the center’s car park as he could not afford anything else due to his student loans. A team of FBI special investigators quickly find that the whole thing was an accident with no charges needed. It was only found out later that these FBI agents too were still loaded up with student debts.

APRIL – In a surprise announcement, the Republican and Democrat parties say that they are going to amalgamate into one super party called the Progressives party. One operative stated “We have the same policies anyway”. In a move to combine the “dirt” files that they hold on each other’s candidates into one repository, these files are released to the public by Wikileaks and what is in them makes nearly all former Democrat and Republican candidates ineligible to run for office. A Sanders/Gabbard ticket now seems the only one viable for 2020. The new Progressives party blames the Russians.

MAY – Donald Trump, finally realizing now the awesome responsibility that he has undertaken as President, apologizes for his past behaviour, shuts down his Twitter account and spends his time pushing for any policy that attracts 80% of the electorate’s support such as medicare for all, student loan forgiveness and winding back overseas commitments. A visibly shocked Hillary Clinton retires from public life, goes into a convent and undertakes a vow of silence.

JUNE – In a move that outraged Californians, by majority vote the CalPERS Board voted themselves salaries for life – even after they leave CalPERS – since even the ones who have CalPERS pensions recognize they may be chipped away at due to CalPERS’ underfunding. This decision is rescinded twenty minutes later when CalPERS staff pointed out a rapidly growing trend on Amazon in the purchase of pitch-forks, fire brands, rolls of carpet, shovels and bags of lime.

JULY– Old KGB files surface showing that Ayn Rand, Friedrich Hayek and Milton Freeman were actually committed communist agents pushing their ideas as part of a plot to destroy the west. Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan now seen to be as ‘useful idiots’ for pushing these ideas further.

AUGUST – In a move to shore up falling ratings, the last six mega-media companies combine into one vast mega-media company. This move is announced with fanfare on all TV stations and major newspapers but as very few get their news from those sources anymore, hardly anybody notices. As ratings continue to plunge off a cliff, small newspapers, radio stations and TV stations arise to fill the void.

SEPTEMBER – The Pentagon, finding that due to rising costs that by 2022 they will only be able to afford one plane, one tank and one ship, announces that they will buy Russian weapons from now on saying they are cheaper and actually work. They further announce that this will continue until the industrial complex “wakes up to itself”.

OCTOBER – Elon Musk and many of the world’s top billionaires such as Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Peter Thiel and the Koch brothers undertake the long awaited mission to Mars aboard the spaceship “Galt’s Gulch” in order to stake the planet out for themselves. Due to a tragic miscalculation involving cost-cutting, only enough fuel is loaded for the trip there. Transmitted demands for rescue by them are met with replies like “Say again? You’re breaking up”, “Did you say that you want a pizza? Over.” and “We do not copy. Must be space static. Call us when you are back in perihelion”.

NOVEMBER – Scientists discover a new number. They have named it Yot and it is between the numbers Six and Seven. Using the revised mathematics, they quickly resolve the unified field theory which gives the principles for fusion power, replicators, transporters and warp drive. People realize that within a generation that famine, war, poverty and disease will all be gone. News then arrives that Wall Street has “convinced” the US Patent Office to collectively give them a patent on the number Yot with the implication that all the discoveries found as well also belong to them.

DECEMBER – Mark Blyth’s observation axiom that the Hamptons are not a defensible position found to be true after all.