Naked Capitalism’s Mission Impossible

Yves here. This post is a departure from typical (earnest!) fundraiser fare. As many of you regularly point out, one of the strengths of Naked Capitalism is its well-informed, engaged commentariat. Most readers highlight the information and sharp analysis found in the comment section. But oddly, they don’t often mention another strong feature: the humor, which can come in the form of a witty retort or satirical lyrics set to a popular ballad or rock song. The caliber of the repartee and banter is yet another reason regulars come back every day.

Our regular commentor Rev Kev has provided some lighter fare, both generally and again now. Hopefully no one here will be offended by his choice of objects of amusement.

By The Rev Kev, who lives Down Under

A mysterious CD arrived in the morning mail with American stamps on the cover. Perplexed, I put it into my computer bay and suddenly the speakers said:

Good morning Rev Kev. We need funds around here at Naked Capitalism. After the toxicity of the past few months, Lambert’s yellow waders have finally given out and he needs better protection now. And have you seen the prices for Level A hazmat suits these days?

Your mission, Rev, should you choose to accept it, is to write for the annual fundraiser to keep us in the black. As always, should you be caught, Naked Capitalism will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This disc will self-destruct in ten seconds. Good luck, Rev.

Well, judging by the smoke billowing out of my computer bay, it was more like five seconds than ten. After I cleaned up all the soot, I started to write this post.

It is now that time of the year again with the push to keep the lights on at Naked Capitalism. It’s regularly called “influential” and we’ll give some examples soon. But first. let’s thank those who some money into the Tip Jar last year as it really helped out.

A special thanks to all of you with the 3-letter agencies who donated so generously last year. Well, maybe not those in the Counterfeiting Division. So I hope that you can see your way to send in even more in this year’s fundraiser. One analyst confessed to me that in trying to get a handle on present events, that she used the Posts & Comments on Naked Capitalism as a type of CliffsNotes which she expanded into full 100-page reports for her superiors. She hasn’t put a foot wrong yet.

But I don’t expect you to take my word for it about all the good work down here at Naked Capitalism so I called in a few markers to people that I know to personally put their own plea in. And blackmail is such an ugly word anyway. So ladies and gentlemen, I turn this space over to the 45th and current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump:

Hello everybody. Hi. Many people are saying that Naked Capitalism is a great American institution. Love the name. Not like the rest of the lying media. Smart people here. Very smart. Almost as smart as me. And they have good genes, very good genes. I wear Levis myself. And they’re doing a fantastic job for the country and the world. Not like Sleepy Joe or crazy Bernie.

I want all you folks to dig in deep, very deep and help with the fundraiser here at Naked Capitalism. That is why I was asked to talk. Nobody knows more about fundraising than me. People get amazed when I tell them how much money I say I have raised. So put some money in that Tip Jar.

I want everybody to know that I sent in a check to the Tip Jar today. A huge check. The biggest in the history of the Trump Foundation. Believe me, the check is in the mail. Not my fault if you don’t get it. Blame the low energy post office. Everybody’s talking about it. You know that, right? If we are going to rebuild the greatest economy in the history of the world, we need great sources of information. Places like Naked Capitalism. But the fake news doesn’t like me saying that. They don’t me like telling you that. So put some money in the Tip Jar and mess with them. Thank you.

And now may I present to you the United States Senator for Delaware and contender for the 46th Presidency of the United States, Joe Biden:

I’m Joe Biden and I will be the nextpresidentoftheunitedstates. I’m here to say to put money in the Tip Jar. I know my son would have done so. No, no, not the one with the strippers and the cocaine. The other one – Beau. And you all know that I have always valued truth over facts and anybody says different is a damn liar. Come on, man, it’s not true! What? Oh, yes the Tip Pot. What? OK, put some money in the Tip Jar. Normally I have lived my life by the idea that “Since we can’t make everyone happy, we won’t let anyone be happy”. End of quote. What? I wasn’t suppose to write that bit? Don’t confuse me. Where was I? Oh yeah.

I was just talking about it to my good friend Barack whateverhisnameis. But here we can seek and be fake forward so that, that, that.. by, go, you know the thing. But I want to be clear. I’m not going nuts. It’s that damn Putin that is doing all this. Him and all his nunchucks poisoning people.

But I love Naked Capitalism. Every evening I put on my record player, sit down, put on my slippers and unroll and read my Naked Capitalism newsletter. And I do it because it has fearless commentary on finance, economics, politics and power. So I want everybody to put money in the Tip Jar. What? Oh, my time’s up. Thank you. Did I tell you about my dead son?

And in an exclusive for Naked Capitalism, I present to you Mr. Henry Jones, President of the CalPERS Board and world traveler using pension funds:

I need to start out by setting the record straight. Last year at this very time, I asked the CalPERS staff members that are reading Naked Capitalism despite our efforts to gin up hit pieces in the Sacramento Bee to give give give lots of tips.

I take total responsibility for my grievous error. When I asked for tips, I meant money, dinero, greenbacks, bullion, checks, cash, stocks, bonds, gift cards, international travel or wire transfers, not inside tips, as in information, we were all trying to keep hidden, like that our former CIO was awfully friendly with Blackstone, or that staff thought it was OK to forge board member signatures.

You instead gave tips exposing CalPERS’ wrongdoing, like our addiction to private equity, lying, funny numbers, corruption, and conflicts of interest. It would be so much cheaper for CalPERS for you just to hand some dough to Naked Capitalism and keep our dirty laundry in house. For starters, we’d probably be able to fire most of our PR consultants. Think of how much more we could spend on motivational speakers, ice cream socials, and burgundy ribbons!

I’m not saying there is anything more to find ’cause 2020 is now about transparency. I want to be known as Henry Jones, King of Transparency, and the only way that can happen is if you give give give to the Tip Jar.

Let me be 4.7% clear. I want all of you to give to Naked Capitalism’s Tip Jar whether you’ve tipped them before or not. Actual money. I want you to give so much money Naked Capitalism will spend all their time counting it, and running it to the bank instead of exposing more CalPERS’ mischief. When you visit the office, as a reminder, and for those who prefer cash, you’ll find a paper bag on your desk labeled “Fred Buenrostro Club Fed Challenge” to make sure there’s no misunderstanding this time.

Now a plea from the heart. You know the deal guys. It is going to get nuts in the coming weeks. People are going to lose it..go crazy…barmy…nutty as a fruitcake…not in one’s right mind…be three planes short of an air force…wacko!

Worse case scenario, you guys won’t find out who is President until the new House sits – next January. The media will be reduced to a shouting match between Fox and Kos. With friends and family it will be like 1860 all over again.

One of the few spaces that will be an island of sanity will be right here on Naked Capitalism. You owe it to yourselves to keep this space going. A place where you can learn new things and chill out. A place to keep your perspective and debate without reaching for your caps lock. So that is why I am putting in my own plea to keep Naked Capitalism going as doing our part in not letting our lizard brains do our thinking for us.

And before I forget. Protip. When you gather around the table for Thanksgiving this year, don’t be the first to ask, “So, who did everybody vote for this year?” At least wait until after dinner when all the knives have been put away. Thanks. And don’t forget that Tip Jar.