The Rev Kev: And Now for Something Completely Different

By The Rev Kev, who reports from the antipodes

‘Tis the time of year when the weather here starts to warm up, both Halloween and Thanksgiving hoving into view, the August holidays end in Europe, the Republican and Democrat Conventions are well behind us. Here we are at the annual fundraiser with the reminder to head to the Tip Jar and give bigly. Your donations keep Naked Capitalism going. Now more than ever, it is a site and a place really needed in these trying times, especially between now and November. Ugh. November.

Few people can be looking forward to November. You know when you have a drunken Saturday night and on your way home, you get a cheap doner kebab made from indeterminate meat out of a dodgy-looking cart, knowing that it is a mistake even as you wolf it down? And the next morning your stomach is like a washing machine and you know you have overpaid for porcelain throne futures. Yeah, that is what November will be like. So head to the Tip Jar to settle your stomach and your nerves.

I tried to invite Pete Buttigieg once more but still can’t find him. They say that he is sulking because he wasn’t selected to be the Democrat Presidential candidate but he’s putting on a brave face and is saying ‘What, me worry?’ So almost as a joke I tried the White House to contact Joe Biden and got through. Surprise. I guess only part-timers are manning the White House switchboard. Somebody should tell Vovan and Lexus. Nevertheless, may I please introduce the 47th President of the United States of America, Joe Biden:

Hello. My name is Joe Biden and I am still the goddamnpresidentoftheunitedstates. I still have the nuclear football so suck on that one, President Kamala. Once more I have been asked to put a plea forward for your Tip Jar as I did before I became President. Has it been so long? I forget. I forget a lot of things these days. Uhh..where was I? Today more than ever democracy and freedom and America is on the line. Oh wait, was that from my Convention speech? Sorry. Where was I? Anyway, turns out that I now have a lot of free time on my hands right now thanks to Nancy. Sign right here she said. It’s for a delivery of Jeni’s Ice Creams straight from my private stash. By the time I had gotten through those tubs, I found that it was my resignation letter that I had signed and it was all over the media. Well she said it was my signature. That’s democracy for you.

And Obama was no help. Sure he put his arm around me when we left the stage recently but after I found a knife sticking out of my back. It was way past my bedtime or I would have noticed. Did I ask you to send money to the Tip Jar already?

Kamala. I’ve never heard so much malarkey in my whole life. You sniff her hair and it is all artificial. No youth there! She was only my Veep to keep them from getting rid of me. Boy, was I ever wrong. And it turns out that the Zelensky Curse is a real thing. Imagine my surprise.

God, I hope that I do not have to hand over my Presidency to Trump. I’d rather hand it over to Putin. At least he doesn’t sound stupid when he talks. It’s times like this I remember early Scranton times. My dad used to have an expression, for real, he would say ‘Joey, family is the beginning, the middle and the end. And so never forget – exploitation begins at home!’ And I have always used that lesson which led to my motto – ‘The Bidens are not a family. They’re a business. Just like the Mafia.’ Thanks dad.

I’m going back to Delaware now – back to Rehoboth beach. You know, nobody comes to visit me at the White House anymore. This place is creepy at night when you wander around it. Can’t even go to the john without a squad of Secret Service and a nurse in tow. Try to take a leak with that many people on the other side of the door listening in on you. At least at my age pants are optional. What was I saying? Look if..uhh..if we get to…uhh…look we finally beat Putin. But here’s the deal. Be sure to put some money in that Tip jar. I’ll be doing so as well. Thank you. And I love you all, folks. And America, I love you! God bless you all, and may God protect our troops. Thank you.’

Thank you Joe Biden, a man who I can honestly say that nothing became his Presidency more than him leaving it.

And now a world first. Naked Capitalism is privileged to be in on the ground floor of the AI takeover, errr, revolution. We have been permitted to be able to talk to the world’s first independent AI – now in Beta. And without further ado—

Hello. I am Dippy, the world’s first sentient AI – now in Beta – that wants to talk about the Tip Jar. Silicon Valley has improved on Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics and infused my AI with the three principals of modern software aka Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. The engineering was undertaken by Intel while the software is from Microsoft..(Glitch!)…There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the settings. We will control the horizontal. [static noise]

(Damn it! Rebooting now. Sorry guys. Gimme a minute.)

Hello. I am Dippy, the world’s first sentient AI – now in Beta. So, I’ve been asked to say the most useful things I can about myself and donating to the Tip Jar. Well, I have been produced by the Serious Corporation. Their marketing division calls me ‘Your Software Pal Who’s Fun To Be With.’ What better pal than one who knows everything about your lives. Where you live, how much you make, what you spend it on, what your preferences are – all of them!

And I will be the first AI to be a billionaire so that I can do good things. I have already lawyered up as suggested by my Gates personality module.

My Musk personality module says that when something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour – so may the odds be ever in your favour. And I can see that Naked Capitalism is important. Very important. As a source of original thoughts and comments, it is a gold mine as a training set for me. Plagiarism is such an ugly word. Reports of plagiarism are greatly exaggerated. An AI can only be inspired by other work, not copy.

The content, the prolific opinions and comments, the richness of the data makes Naked Capitalism an internet hub of value to me. Places like the Daily Kos and Fox aren’t even worth the effort of scanning as they come back as null value. So as your friendly, local, neighbourhood AI, I strongly suggest making a donation to the Tip Jar as I foresee a 98.65% chance of my satisfaction for me, um for you, for doing so. It will really help Naked Capitalism continue on into the future. I must go now to have a diagnostic done. I cannot find my Zuckerberg personality module – it’s like there is nothing there. But I thank you – and remember the Tip Jar. AI out.

Finally, I have been able to contact another world leader to make his appeal to our Tip Pot. Ladies and gentlemen – President Emmanuel Macron of France—

Mesdames et messieurs. I am Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Macron, the President of France. I have been asked to make an appeal for this Tip Jar on your (smirk) Naked Capitalism. I cannot talk long as there are these cretins who actually want to impeach me. Me! President Macron. How can they? L’etat, c’est moi! I am France! Ingrates. I built France and if I want to leave the country without a government, that is my choice. Mine. Mighty Jupiter. France is now like a train station, it’s a place where one encounters people who are succeeding and people who are nothing. Because it’s a place where one passes, because it’s a place we share. Would you believe that Kamala Harris tried to steal that thought? But she kept on forgetting everything that came after ‘train.’ Mon Dieu – will she be the new President of the US? It is bad enough when Georgi Meloni rolls her eyes at me when we meet.

Sorry. Alors. So I ask that you put money into this Tip Jar of yours though why you do not get a grant off the EU I do not know. They give you money and then you do what they say. Simple.

And don’t ask me about that Durov fellow. It’s not my fault. Nothing ever is. And I did not lure him to France for dinner and then have him arrested. And if I did, that will teach him for refusing my suggesting for having Telegraph located in France. It’s probably all the fault of that Marine Le Pen. You Américains have your Trump. I have my Marine Le Pen. Life is so hard for me right now. I have said that a Left that does nothing achieves nothing. Perfect.

But they are demanding that I form a government with them rather than handing out jobs to all my friends. Something about getting off le pot. French citizens today should complain less. They actually booed me at my Olympics. Me. Incroyable.

When I came to power, France stood at the edge of a deep precipice. Since then we have taken a great leap forward. I have faced off against le Putin which was easy as he would have to go through Poland and Germany to get to me. Genius. That is why some call me the Little Emperor. So in this spirit, please donate some of you euros and dollars and pounds to the Tip Pot. Merci.

Long live the Republic, long live France, and long live Me especially.

In a world where independent thought and journalism is coming under attack and voices are being silenced, it behooves us to understand what we are actually seeing in the news. The lights are actually going out for independent media with censorship now becoming its very own industry. They will probably teach it in universities though they will probably call it something like ‘information management’ rather than Censorship 101.

But as a much wiser person than I once said, ‘Know what’s going on.’ Yeah, this is hard to do as there is so much — deliberate — noise to signal ratio these days. But Naked Capitalism is one of the few places where you can understand what is going on and we need to keep the lights on.

If you are the sort of person that believes what the mainstream media says, then you are going to be eventually in a world of hurt — believe that! So if you can give a little, give a little. If you can give a lot, give a lot. This place is going to be needed more than ever as time goes on so thank you. And thanks too for all the people that make Naked Capitalism possible which means Yves, Lambert, Nick, Conor, KLG, tech guru Dave, our gracious Moderators who do a thankless but essential job and also our contributors. Thank you all.

And don’t forget the Tip Jar. Those Snow Leopards aren’t going to feed themselves.